leave

i hate you

anonymous reader

i hate that i have to speak to you

with a voice

full of deliberation

with words

full of meaning

i hate that i have to put you first

in order to see myself

i hate that i have to be something

before you

in order to be myself

i hate that

you have to be there for me to make sense

of myself

you critic 

a sleeze

you judge

and sit in your comfortable world

created out of judgements

that need to be made

as my insecurities create your comfort

you, too, must know that it will not last.

you that reads

and understands

and shoves meaning into my words

that attempt to define no truth

you anonymous reader

you are forever gone

watch yourself diminish

as my words expand

into a silence that you will never comprehend

as they contract

into an absence that you intend

to dismiss

it is not for you i write

if you come again

you will derive no strength

no self esteem

your ego is the gunk that rots at the bottom of a pile

of self made lies

your ego is yours

without beauty

you speak

without love

you think

and pollute this universe without care.

you are one daring creature

but you dare

to do all the things

that make you unreal

and i am your queen

but i am your loser

motherfuckingfailurefiascoshunnedmarredjustnotenoughbutalwaystheballinthemiddleoftheroomthatdoesntrollandhowcometheshadowisyourhippieandiamyourcarnivalbutlifeissomethingthatdoesntmoveevenwhenitgoesonandwhatdoesitmeanwhenyoumeanandyoumeanandyoufuckingmeanallthetimeandiwonderwhyidontsmileanymoreandwhetherthathasanythingtodowithyouandhowyoudontlivemylieyouwhoreoftheuniversethatrepellsthesmoothlimitlesscategoriesofsunshinethatdishevellmybrainmylordiamyourfuckinglordfuckingtryandseewhatyouseewhatdoyouseeyoucrazymotherfuckerthatpretendstobeblindonlytobesafehidingfromyourselfevenwhenyouarenotfearfulandalwayscrappinginmybackyardasifprivatepropertywereathingofthepastfuturefuckfacewhatthewalkwelliamnotyourlieamiyourtruthbutmaybesomedayweshallalllivetoseethestarssmileinthedarkwhennobodyisreallywatching

you

you

look at how the word doesn't seem to like the way it stands

it makes a stand even while it stands

and instead of standing straight,

it slants

as if it were pointing towards something that has been unknown to us

for far too long

you

i fail

every time i try to define who you are,

the boundaries blur

you and me and us and them and so much more

are none

y-o-u

yes, every character seems to have its own story

y is like a dance,

o an expression

and u something crouching, as if it wants to remain hidden

you

i like most

when it encapsulates a crazy 

yapping, freakshow of a person,

passionate to the ends of her hair,

spiraling out into the universe at the rate of 55 epiphanies an hour,

and mostly,

dwelling on one word

as if understanding the weight of it on this world meant

salvation itself

you

asking me to build on this word

makes for good poetry...

apple

An apple

red, round, supple

glistening, glowing,

shapes and shades merge and glide over this bulbous thing

called a fruit.

An apple

i am told not to touch

so i stare at it longingly. 

I watch from far because

i am not to touch.

That apple!

I long for, but i know i would not want to eat.

Bloody apple, i dont even like.

But long for

only because it is the forbidden fruit

that apple – a festering fruit

an earthly, elemental dome for maggots, squirming, swarming, 

devouring the core

why is it so forbidden

suddenly

when my own core is a family of maggots,

curling comfortably,

waiting to make contact with distant relatives.

untitled

I found a way to make you smile.

I miss you whenever my hand creates your writing.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Always, in my writing, I'm talking to you.

Saying things that you may never hear.

And while I'm alone here,

You, too, must be alone somewhere.

If only I could know what you were saying to me.

- - -

“I, too, am heartbroken. But won't say it.”

woman

Woman

don't make believe that

liking is loving

or loving is to act upon

or to feel is to define

or to define is to understand

or to understand is to experience

don't ever make believe that

to love is to dignify it.

Woman

don't be such a man!

gender

Gender

is demorphed humanity

gender

constructed; but constructed on wooden planks and stainless steel and iron rods and plaster and concrete and timber and and plywood and bricks and glasses and smoothness and straightness and vertical and horizontal and parallels and perpendiculars and blue prints and masterminds and the accumulation of architectures together called culture.

And order; solid, permanent, inescapable order.

All manmade.

the smell of sweet lime

I am captured by this zone of purity.

A purity that does not allow in

the smell of sweet lime

that penetrates

nevertheless

pungent, putrid, reeking with obscenity

unless, of course,

you know of acquired taste.

And know also that the thing to eat

is not the fleshy juicy inside

but the coarse and bitter rind.

untitled

Red pen

black rim

And a nib that colour cannot ordain

Steel, silver or eye

Not colours

But marked by glint, sparkle, shimmer and shine.

What is written

is black block letters

blackness in colour.

Not blackness – the absence of light.

But black against white

as silver shimmering adds to the glint in the eye.

glass

I am transparent;

I'm like stained glass.

I cannot

do anything but break.

---

Exasperated

Glass: there is so much drama in glass.

Oh! That it shatters.

Into cold colour coordinated pieces.

Cold brilliant sparkling icicles

On the floor.

Flat fraudulent floor.

It lies

So desperately it tells

all the secrets

of the glass that ought not to have shattered.

---

The glass that breaks of its own volition;

how is it blasphemous?

It falls and breaks

But not to fall prey to gravity.

Awkward shapes

incline, recline, or stand on their tippie-toes

sideways.

Always, there is poise

In each broken piece

That cannot be put together.

the afterthought

whenever i talk to you...
i feel like i'm slithering down a rainbow laid out with banana peels.
i feel like i'm trickling down a cloud in the afterrain.
and the moonshines. and the sunsmiles,
and happiness is a creature i can hold in my palms.
it crawls. it lingers.

i think you're the ribbon that makes a bow around my universe...
so red...
and so lovely.