Sunday, April 18, 2021

and now for the really scary part

should i trust the writer in myself? finally?

like, it's there, right? has always been there? waiting for me to meet it where it's at?


everything comes out as a question probably because of the fear?


but, at least it's coming out?


and maybe that's the thing to celebrate?

Monday, April 12, 2021

Maybe our hearts are inside bottles

Fingers curl
and palms clench
into tight fists

to fight?

Knuckles turn white
drained of blood
only bones jutting out
like blunt knives
as if to say, “Dare you come near me.”

Some days are like this.

When the fist is not even
an invitation to spar.
In such a fierce proposal
is the knowledge
that no one will really be ready to take you on.

Clenched fists like these are like locked doors
like hearts inside bottles that simply don’t want to come out.

But everywhen is not like this.

Sometimes.

Sometimes
hands open, fingers unfurl
revealing soft flesh and gentle, bumpy terrains.

Sometimes
they want to wave and say hello
or open up to invite

Sometimes
they are ready to receive with the curving of the palms
whatever it is that will fall into them.

Sometimes
they want to hold
to wipe away tears
or push away the strands of hair coming between someone’s eyes and the world.

Sometimes
hands want to place themselves on hips
to dance and jive.

And sometimes
they want to count on their digits
all the things you can do with open hands.

Sometimes.

Just not today.

Today, hands can only fist up and beat like hearts inside impenetrable bottles.
Some days are like this.

And sometimes, that’s just fine.

Friday, March 12, 2021

new loves

Seven is too much.

Where exactly is the centre?

Human bodies take gravity for a
dizzying spin.

I seek new vantage points
to see,
to feel.

The toomuchness & notenoughness of life have
collided
in these boys.

My days start in sparkles
and end in sighs
that trail around the contours of a shapeshifting moon.

“Expand, Ayushma! Feel your vastness,” they say to me without actually saying it.

I allow myself to
breathe.

Soon enough,
I’ve swallowed up
entire galaxies.

Is this the magic of life?

To be touched
without being touched,
moved
without having moved.

To experience everything 

sevenfold?

Saturday, December 12, 2020

 how wide is your musical girth?

Saturday, November 28, 2020

dream sequins #1

keep dreaming
keep dreaming through the rawness of the rough drafts
keep dreaming among the uncut gems that glisten only in the dark

keep dreaming

carve out a space for yourself in your fantasies
when has truth ever been enough?

Thursday, November 26, 2020

self-portrait and a half

i am so many people
so many possibilities
reduced to just one

how to fit so many feet in 
just one pair of shoes?

i don't want to pinch my toes anymore
there is a child in me
that wants to step out and fly
a clown that wants to 
laugh all the time
making a plaything of even the most hopeless of miseries

there is also a devil inside me
it wants to do some very dark and
unspeakable things
i see it crouched in my corner
knowing what it's like to be unloved, unwanted

...

i'm now choosing to walk barefoot
you know, letting my toes squiggle and all
it feels right to nurture all the 'me's
especially the devil which
often shocks and scares me

...

devil, i know i need you here i know
you're the one who will give me wings 
and be my reason to want to fly.

Thursday, October 29, 2020

dream sequence #3

 i want to cuddle with your voice and go to dream

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

dream sequence #1

sometimes there is craft
but more often, there is just pleasure
like now.

Monday, June 29, 2020

if i were to say something about blue

blue is everywhere
but
like a mirage
the closer i get to it
the less it exists

by the time i reach out to touch
it's gone.

blue is my intimacy with absence

it is the colour of tired distances
of fading separations
of unrequited loves repeating on endless loops

blue is where things
are left half unsaid
where a lifetime of seeking
seeking leads to not finding

in blue, i know
but i know not how i know
or why i know
or what i know
or even that i know

a dull thud
emanating from a wise heart
always indicating possibilities
without ever uttering a word

blue.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

sometimes
we resist
to survive

and sometimes

we acquiesce.