and now for the really scary part
should i trust the writer in myself? finally?
like, it's there, right? has always been there? waiting for me to meet it where it's at?
everything comes out as a question probably because of the fear?
but, at least it's coming out?
and maybe that's the thing to celebrate?
Fingers curl
and palms clench
into tight fists
to fight?
Knuckles turn white
drained of blood
only bones jutting out
like blunt knives
as if to say, “Dare you come near me.”
Some days are like this.
When the fist is not even
an invitation to spar.
In such a fierce proposal
is the knowledge
that no one will really be ready to take you on.
Clenched fists like these are like locked doors
like hearts inside bottles that simply don’t want to come out.
But everywhen is not like this.
Sometimes.
Sometimes
hands open, fingers unfurl
revealing soft flesh and gentle, bumpy terrains.
Sometimes
they want to wave and say hello
or open up to invite
Sometimes
they are ready to receive with the curving of the palms
whatever it is that will fall into them.
Sometimes
they want to hold
to wipe away tears
or push away the strands of hair coming between someone’s eyes and the world.
Sometimes
hands want to place themselves on hips
to dance and jive.
And sometimes
they want to count on their digits
all the things you can do with open hands.
Sometimes.
Just not today.
Today, hands can only fist up and beat like hearts inside impenetrable bottles.
Some days are like this.
And sometimes, that’s just fine.
Seven is too much.
Where exactly is the centre?
Human bodies take gravity for a
dizzying spin.
I seek new vantage points
to see,
to feel.
The toomuchness & notenoughness of life have
collided
in these boys.
My days start in sparkles
and end in sighs
that trail around the contours of a shapeshifting moon.
“Expand, Ayushma! Feel your vastness,” they say to me without actually saying it.
I allow myself to
breathe.
Soon enough,
I’ve swallowed up
entire galaxies.
Is this the magic of life?
To be touched
without being touched,
moved
without having moved.
To experience everything
sevenfold?
keep dreaming
keep dreaming through the rawness of the rough drafts
keep dreaming among the uncut gems that glisten only in the dark
keep dreaming
carve out a space for yourself in your fantasies
when has truth ever been enough?
i am so many people
so many possibilities
reduced to just one
how to fit so many feet in
just one pair of shoes?
i don't want to pinch my toes anymore
there is a child in me
that wants to step out and fly
a clown that wants to
laugh all the time
making a plaything of even the most hopeless of miseries
there is also a devil inside me
it wants to do some very dark and
unspeakable things
i see it crouched in my corner
knowing what it's like to be unloved, unwanted
...
i'm now choosing to walk barefoot
you know, letting my toes squiggle and all
it feels right to nurture all the 'me's
especially the devil which
often shocks and scares me
...
devil, i know i need you here i know
you're the one who will give me wings
and be my reason to want to fly.
